Struggling to cope -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: Phil is brought to his new care home where he'll be sharing a room with a young boy. Phil soon finds out his new roommate has a huge secret. should he tell anyone? or should he stay quiet.


Phil struggled as the workers tried to take him out of the car. Phil was being left at a care home were they dealt with several problems. Phil has an eating disorder, bad nightmares, self harm and he was easily scared and intimidated by people. All of these problems brought on by his alcoholic father. Phil's dad would get drunk and very angry all the time, he would let out his anger on Phil. His father would beat him black and blue, sometimes so badly that he couldn't walk. "I'm not going!" Phil shouted as he was pulled out of the car. "I hate you!" Phil shouted to his mother as she drove off right away. The workers dragged Phil inside and he started to cry.

Dan sighed heavily, placing his book down as he heard the shouts and cries of what he supposed was their newest member of this hell hole. he walked out of his room and down the stairs to see a dark haired boy crying and such. god he hated new kids sometimes. "hey kid, shut it, some of us like piece and quie-" he cut himself off as the boy looked at him. his eyes were a beautiful blue. Dan shook his head slightly. he was supposed to be annoyed at the kid, not admiring how nice his eyes were.

Phil frowned and nodded, quickly wiping the tears from his eyes. Phil didn't look at the boy again, he was to distracted by the workers surrounding him. Phil kicked and screamed as the workers wrapped there arms around Phil, trying to keep him controlled. Phil hated to be touched, he was always afraid someone would hurt him. "Let me go!" Phil shouted as the workers dragged him up stairs and into his new room. The workers left the room, leaving Phil and his bags on the floor. Phil looked up to see he would be sharing with someone else.

Dan sighed softly as he made his way up back to his room. he slowly opened the door to find, yep, the same kid as before. "what are you...tell me they didn't" he growled softly as he flopped down on his bed, continuing to read his book "I hate this place so much" he mumbled to himself.

Phil frowned and bit his lip. "S-sorry that your stuck with me..." Phil said quietly, he meant it. Phil hated himself and didn't blame other people for hating him. Phil got up off the floor and sat down on his new, uncomfortable bed. Phil bunched his knees up to his small body and wrapped his arms around his legs.

Dan sighed softly, placing his book down once again. "no need to be sorry, it's not your fault. this hell hole is just..." he trailed off as he saw the dark haired boy in such a protective position. he had learned over the years from being here all about body language and all that shit. the staff decided it would be fun to try teach the kids this stuff. it was not fun. he sighed again "are you okay?..."

Phil nodded and leaned against the wall. "Yeah...I'm fine." Phil said quietly. "I am sorry though...your stuck with me, I feel sorry for you." Phil said looking down at the ground.

Dan could already guess this kid had low self esteem because of an childhood experience and all that nonsense. he offered the boy a small smile, even though the boy obviously wouldn't see it because he was looking down. "what's your name kid?"

"M-my name is Phil. Phil Lester." Phil said quietly as he absent mindedly played with the blankets beneath him.

"I'm Dan Howell" he said as he ran a hard through his hair "so...what did you do to get put in this hell hole?" he asked, his tone a lot calmer than it was before.

"Um...by being myself...I have bad nightmares, I get scared and intimidated easily...and people say I have an eating disorder, but I don't." Phil said quietly, purposely leaving out his self harm.

"so you're just a shy kid who's parents got tired of him" Dan bit his lip softly. that had came out a lot worse than he had wanted it to sound "...im sorry...I didn't mean too..." he apologized quietly.

Phil frowned and nodded. "Its okay...you're right." Phil said quietly and sighed.

"No, I didn't mean I...I didn't mean to be so mean there" he sighed "sorry...im not to good at talking to people, that's part of the reason im here" he said softly, mumbling the last part.

Phil shrugged and rested his head on his knees. "Its okay, I'm used to it anyways." Phil said quietly.

Dan got up from his bed then carefully sat down on Phil's. he was about to reach out to try comfort the boy when he remembered the how much Phil had freaked out when the care worker had touched him before. he let his hand hover above Phil's arm for a few seconds before he quickly withdrawing it. he sighed softly. why did he always have to treat everyone like shit?

Phil scooted a little away from Dan and looked away, he hated how he was always so paranoid. Phil wrapped his arms tighter around his legs, making himself as small as possible.

"you don't have to be so scared, it's not like im going to hurt you" he tried to say in what he thought was a soothing voice.

Phil nodded and relaxed a little.

Dan slowly moved slightly closer to Phil "you know I used to be like you" he said softly "I had, well still do have so many issues, that I used to hate myself" he subconsciously placed a hand over his covered wrist "I used to cut and starve myself and..." he trailed off, actually stopping to think why the hell he was telling some kid he'd just met his past.

Phil nodded understandingly. "I don't know how you stopped..." Phil said quietly.

Dan sighed softly "me either... I just kinda stopped hating myself as much. I don't know how it just did, once I found someone I cared about I stopped for them...but..." he felt tears sting his eyes. this was not a good time to break down thinking about him.

Phil frowned, he could already guess what had happened. "You don't have to tell me..." Phil said quietly, he didn't want the boy to get upset.

Dan smiled softly as a few tears began to drip down his face. "it's worse than you think, I should be in jail right now because..." he bit his lip softly "have you ever had to wash the blood that belonged to someone you loved off your hands Phil? it breaks you, makes you insecure as hell. you live in constant fear that you'll snap again. that someone else will get hurt" he began to shake slightly as he but his lip harshly "so. that's how fucked up I am. I've been trying to keep my distance from everyone I meet in case it happens again" he sobbed lightly as he placed his head in his hands.

Phil backed further away from Dan, fear washing over him. 'Had he killed someone.' Phil thought to himself. His father had tried to kill him once so this really scared Phil. Phil felt bad for Dan, he seemed so broken. Phil placed a shaky hand on Dan's back and rubbed it slowly.

Dan only sobbed harder as he shook softly. "im sorry...I shouldn't have told you that...I" he managed to sat between sobs. what was he thinking telling Phil his darkest secret. "I never tell anyone this but you…you're just some kid I've just meet yet…"

Phil shook his head. "I-Its okay." Phil said quietly.

Dan took several deep breaths attempting to calm himself down. he looked into Phil's eyes, a small smile pulling at his lips. "please don't be scared of me...I..." he averted his eyes, his smile turning into a frown as he realised he had probably blown his chance of ever being friends with Phil.

Phil shook his head. "Its okay... I'm not scared." Phil lied, he was a bit but it was passing. Phil didn't want to hurt the boys feelings.

Dan slowly reached his hand out, reaching Phil's cheek then softly caressing it "Phil...I..." he had now idea what he was doing. it was like this weird sensitive side of his was coming out.

Phil closed his eyes as Dan reached out to touch him and slowly open them when he didn't feel any pain. Phil wasn't use to the sensation of a gently touch.

Dan smiled slightly "you have the most beautiful eyes" he said gently as he slowly got closer to Phil.

A small smile spread across Phil's face. "T-thanks." Phil said shyly, his cheeks turning red.

Dan ever so gently cupped Phil's face with both his hands. he had no idea why but he really want to...kiss the boy. why the hell would he want to do that. his mind told him to stop yet his body would not obey. Dan drew closer to Phil, still smiling "Phil...close your eyes"

Phil hesitated but slowly closed his eyes. Phil was quite nervous, he didn't know what to expect. 'Please don't hurt me.' Phil thought.

Dan took a shaky breath before he softly pressed his lips against Phil's.

Phil was quite taken aback, it had been a long time since anyone had kissed him. Phil kissed Dan back softly.

Dan smiled into the kiss softly. he gently deepened the kiss. he was terrified he'd do something that would startle Phil.

Phil leaned into the kiss and smiled against Dan's lips. He had never kissed anyone like this before, he was afraid he was doing it wrong.

Dan pulled away slightly as what he had just done caught up to him. he smiled, for once he actually felt...happy. he gently leaned his forehead against Phil's.

Phil smiled widely, it had been a long time since Phil smiled like that.

"Phil I...I like you a lot" he almost whispered as he smiled happily.

Phil closed his eyes, his heart beating fast in his chest. "I-I like you too." Phil said shyly.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil in a tight hug. "thank you…thank you so much" he whispered as he closed his eyes. Everything would be okay now.


End file.
